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advice to the unemployed

July 3, 2012

1. Get a stamp made that has your name, address, phone number, social security number, driver’s license number, “yes I am a citizen,” and “no I have never been convicted of a felony on it” or you risk repetitive stress disorder, and you can’t claim workman’s comp.

2. Always carry government recognized forms of ID with you–one from List A OR one from List B AND List C. You never know when you’re going to see an I9.

3. If you are looking for office work, do not get offended by the grammar errors in the standard typing test. It will slow you down. Do not correct them, either. They are not testing your intelligence or your taste, simply your mechanical ability to reproduce their words as quickly as possible. Their poorly chosen, disordered, and inappropriately punctuated words.

4. Try to wash at least one dish a day. That way if anybody asks what you did today, you can always say, “Cleaned.”

5. When asked in an interview about your plans for your future, don’t answer, “I was thinking tomorrow I might go to the grocery store.”

6. Try not to think of walking to the RedBox one block away as that day’s workout.

7. Don’t start drinking until after 5. Unless it’s a Friday, cause then it’s basically the weekend. Or a Monday, cause then it’s basically still the weekend. Or a Wednesday, because you lost track of the days and think it’s the weekend.

8. If you are, as I am, a bit older than you were the last time you had this much free time, do not get confused by the similarities and think that you are able to do the things you were last time you had this much free time. You are not as tolerant (either of alcohol or people), energetic (most of the fun stuff happens after your bedtime), or flexible (and I mean that literally–whatever you may do tonight, that whiskey won’t keep you from being sore tomorrow) as you once were.

9. Remember that it stays light pretty late this time of year, so if you spend the first half of the day in bed, you can still get enough Vitamin D.

10. Make sure all your friends know that if anyone asks, you absolutely have experience doing whatever it is they’re asking about.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. anthonycastillo permalink
    July 4, 2012 3:12 pm

    You are hilarious. You should write some comedy about this time in your life. I was told by a wise artist friend of mine that the most difficult times in life are the most fertile grounds for art and art inspiration.

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