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if I ruled the world, advertisers would never be allowed to say …

July 29, 2012

“now with 40% more oxygen power”

“made with real color extracts”

“all of these things are true” when only two things have been named

“with 30% less fat” unless they say THAN WHAT

“now you can lose weight without changing your diet or exercise”

“all patriotic Americans”

Furthermore …

The text “do not attempt” shall not appear when the video shows people driving their cars off of piers into the ocean. If anyone is stupid enough to attempt this they should be perfectly free to do it, and decrease the surplus population.

The text “please drink responsibly” will never appear under video showing people doing entirely the opposite of that.

These laws shall go into effect upon my taking the crown of Queen of the World. Also hopefully at that point I will not be watching as much television as I am now.

So be it.

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